wish you were a stay at home mom? read this.

I think one of the most irritating things us Stay At Home Moms have to deal with is constantly having to defend ourselves against people who are ignorant to/don’t respect the difficulties and stresses of the job. Our work cannot be trivialized into task boxes like household chores, child care. It is work that never ends. You don’t leave your job at the end of the day and go home. Your job is your home, there is no escape. No matter how much you love your young children there is no respite from the physical, emotional and psychological ENERGY SUCK that is being at home. It’s a lonely job. No chatting with coworkers during a coffee break. No going out to lunch at a new place for business. Minimal adult conversation and adult stimulation. So then there are the supposed SOLUTIONS to these problems. I’ll make a list of them.

1)To solve the issues of isolation, “get out of the house and meet new mom friends or hang out with old friends who also are stay at home moms”.

Well SURE! sounds easy enough, doesn’t it? Only its NOT. Because for one thing, there is no human on earth more paranoid than a mother with her children. You do not approach a mom with her kids and say ” hey, I’m a mom, you’re a mom, let’s be friends.” There is an initiation period, a “make double sure you’re not a threat to our safety” period, a “what do you want from me and am I willing to spend my limited energy on getting to know you,” period. Breaking into a new clique wasnt easy in grade school, it isn’t easy ever after. Say you get that all figured out and actually have someone you already know who can actually afford/wants to be a stay at home mom in the valley, or has passed all the tests and is willing. You have to figure out who naps when, who needs what, who is sick, who’s doctor appointment is when… By the time you actually agree on a time to meet it’s not for weeks and the playdate may be all of an hour. So all that for a solid hour of companionship. Maybe its longer than an hour on a good day, but that’s only if the kids don’t have a meltdown or attack each other and realistically, success is limited. Oh and don’t forget, you’re still watching your kids and it’s still exhausting, you’re just physically near another adult who can relate to you.

2) REST WHEN THE KIDS ARE RESTING. Oh this one makes my blood boil. Rest when the kids are resting. First off, my toddler doesn’t nap. He hasn’t napped for a while. When he does, its unexpected and unpredictable. If they are actually asleep, its my time to do all things I need  to do but can’t when they are awake.Like clean the kitchen without someone reaching into the dishwasher and pulling out the knives. Swapping loads of laundry. Figuring out if you have everything you need to make dinner or if you’ve got to make a run to the grocery store. Or hell, SHOWER yourself. What a concept. or maybe its time to blog and get the angst out or go on facebook ( while standing in the kitchen on your trusty ipad. I dont sit all day, I never sit)and try to feel like you are keeping in touch with the outside world. Or Pinterest and check out ideas on children’s activities or cute clothing that you love but there is no point in buying because there is no place to wear it.

These are my hours: 6am babies are up and changed and fed. The end of the day is 7:30/8pm when babies go to sleep. Until 12:30 when my daughter is up for food and a change. Then again at 3:45am and again sometimes at 5am. And again and again and again and again. Everyday, including weekends and holidays.

3) Take a break. A break. Gosh, if that was possible. A true break means you go and do things for yourself. You get to exercise or maybe watch a TV show that doesn’t have singing, dancing and lessons about sharing. My mom is very helpful in taking at least one of my kids and maybe even both off my hands. But it’s not every day and I don’t blame her, its not her job. She already raised her kids. Her charitable contributions can only go so far, and instead of taking the time to do things for myself, I will often run errands that are just easier to handle without kids. So by the time everything that needs to be done is done, there is no time left to take JUST for me, which isn’t much of a break at all. Selfishness is not a natural trait for a caring mother. Everyone else is first and even when you wish you could be first, you cant be. The guilt is heavy.

So get a job then. Well, if only it were that easy. First off I have been out of the working world for enough time to feel pretty insecure about my skills and pretty out of the loop in terms of technology. So let’s assume I can even FIND a job that I am qualified for and that is in my field. What then, daycare for my kids? Daycare that is probably the same cost as what I bring home in earnings? So I am paying someone else to raise my kids so that I can work outside of the house. Again, I’m not that selfish, if I am not helping my family financially, there is no point to getting a job. I’ve told my husband before, and I really mean it, if I could get a job that pays enough for him to stay at home I would do it in a heartbeat. I would switch places with him and be the bread-winner. But realistically I would never make the same money he makes. I don’t have the same skills, I am not a man. Men still get paid more for the same work. FACT.

Ahhh, so with all that out, I would still like to say, it’s a blessing to have my angels, and I don’t mean to complain. its more to share the darker/ more challenging side of something that people can easily take for granted. So if you’ve ever thought to yourself, MAN! I really want to stay at home and raise my kids. That is the LIFE. Well, it’s a life alright. But it’s certainly not an easy one. There are no bon-bons on the couch watching soaps, that’s for damn sure.

January 7, 2012 | Categories: Art & Angst, motherhood | Tags: Child, Family, Home, Housewife, Mother, Parent, Selfishness, Staying at Home | 1 Comment »